The Dumb Ass Diet

So what is the Dumb Ass Diet?  I haven’t written it yet but be fair warned all you porko deluxes out there, it is going to right up your alley, or should I say snack food aisle.  Quite possibly there might be a smidgen of Paula Deen in the recipes, you know who she is, don’t you?  She’s the porky cook who can’t breath with out snorting butter up her nose.  It’s in every thing she cooks and she makes / made no bones about it; without butter every recipe was garbage.  Diagnosed with diabetes three years ago, she continued to foist high fat, high cholesterol foods down the public’s throat.  

Eat Butter or Die!

Of course, she was making a lot of money during that time so really what everything boils down to is this:  she had to choice between ethics and greed and she chose greed.  I suspect she cut back on the amount of fat in her diet privately, but not publicly since it wouldn’t do to have the world know she had stopped cut back on the butter.  Any way, the Dumb Ass Diet is for all you morons out there who don’t realize Paula Deen made a very bad choice.  Why?  Because all of you will make the same bad choice and buy into a Dumb Ass Diet, then maybe I can make money the way Paula Deen did:  falsely.

Hey morons, let's chow down with Paula!

Do you think I'm really going to eat this?

From Ebay to EH? Booo!

I remember when Ebay was really something special.  Hell, I was on it every night, if bidding away into the wee hours of the morning then at least building a bidding strategy.  Back then, Ebay was an actual auction where you could bid as fast as your internet connection could post your bid.  I scored some really sweet deals, I also stepped in a couple piles of shit.  And then something happened, Ebay began to change, the sweetness soured because, according to Ebay, sellers were not happy.  They complained that they were not getting the true value for the products they were auctioning.  How stupid were these morons, sounds a lot like porko deluxe thinking if you ask me?   There is no guarantee in an auction.  But these pinheads wanted to make more money.  Since Ebay makes their money by charging commission, they tweeked things a bit to placate the sellers, thereby increasing their own revenue.  And the sellers were happy because they could basically eliminate the auction element and have their customers "buy now!"  I stopped buying things on Ebay because this tweeking eliminated the chance of getting a steal.  Did things really improve for the sellers?  Hell no.  I know a woman who sells jewlry through Ebay and she was just complaining how she now has to pay a percentage of the shipping and handling charges she charges her customers to Ebay.  She is not your normal bean brain and should have expected this, but, of course, she didn't.  For you zippos out there who don't understand, let me explain.  Ebay is a corporation whose main goal is not to provide a service, it's to make a profit by providing a service.  Like most corporations, they forecast an increase in profit every year.  To make that profit they will do what ever is necessary.  If that means pissing off some of their sellers, they will, after all, where else are these greedy pinheads hawk their wares?

I don't know why this website is popular

I have previously mentioned Fit Day as one place to go if you want your BMI calculated quickly, personally, that is the only nice thing I can mention about the site, especially if you’re male.  I say this because the next step, after you set up your password, is to input your weight.  When you get to this screen it automatically defaults to the female gender ignoring the possibility you might be male.  It also defaults to the average height and weight of your average female, 5’ 2” and 114 lbs.  Of course, maybe this is just blatant subliminal messaging telling the world everybody needs to be a five foot, two inch female who weighs 114 pounds.  Another fault I have with the website is the way caloric intake is calculated once you key in your weight goal.  You are given a gross calorie count, for me over 3000, and then they subtract their estimate for the calories you burn while sleeping, for me 728, so I ended up with around 2400 calories per day.  That’s more then what I eat normally just to maintain my weight and I work out.  Another major issue I have is their exercise list, those things you do to burn calories.  I use both a Sole 95 Eliptical and a Cyclocross trainer for my cardio.  They do list bicycle exercise machine and stairclimber / treadmill (which might be considered an eliptical) but nothing specific enough to cover my workout.  Interestingly enough, however, that ever popular “walking while pushing a wheelchair,” and “running while pushing a wheelchair” are listed.  As you might guess, I am not impressed.
Recording your food intake is also very time consuming, figure on at least 5 to 10 minutes for every meal.  Sorry, I don’t have time to putz around with something like that.

The disgusting truth about FAT

Way back when I was working for xpedx we had Shaun, our Wellness Coach, who tried really, really hard to make associates care about their health.  There were times, however, when when I felt sorry for him, especially when he would try and run a clinic and most of the bozos who showed up were there to get out of work.  Take for example the day he wanted to have a discussion with us about FAT.  There ware at least 12 of us gathered in the training room. looking at this rubberized globule of adipose tissue, also known as FAT.  Try as he did, there was no way any of us were ever going to take that thing seriously.  If he had really wanted to grab our attention and make us think he should have stopped off a the nearest supermarket and purchased a super large container of tapioca pudding and red and yellow food color and combined them.  Then, after giving us his lecture on the evilness of fat, how it gathers around organs, gives you stretch marks, and slowly makes life fricking miserable, he should have dumped the tapioca mess on the table.  That should have been his money shot.

Just picture something as disgusting as this dumped on a desk!

To drive home the point, he should have turned to the porko deluxe sitting beside me and said, “hey porky, every time you jiggle, this is what bounces.”  Of course, he would have gotten complaints about his lack of sensitivity, as well as having to clean up the tapioca mess.  That is one of the growing problems in this country.  

Almost looks like a piece of Kung Pao Chicken

Fatties do not want to be reminded that they are fat.  They prefer people to not mention their fattiness, and if they do, they want to hear “oh, but it looks good on you.”  Me, I’ve been told for years that I am not tactful at all.  I would have dumped that tapioca mess on the table.  I would have said “you made a conscious decision to eat three donuts instead of one, you, alone, are responsible for your total calorie intake and because of that you’re fat.”

Smarten your ass up about spokes people!

Okay, so you’ve decided setting up your own diet regime is too difficult (gimme a break) and, (for a price) you’re going to let somebody else tell you what you’re going to eat.  Well, this is what the lazy person does.  And think how ecstatic your roommate, companion, significant other, or spouse is going to be when they discover they’re only going to be cooking for one because you’re opted out for pre-fab food.  Or, if you happen to be the one who cooks, imagine how wonderful you’re going to feel making lasagna

Lasagna again!!

for someone else to eat while you settle yourself down in front of a plate of something that has been bulk produced and fast frozen.  Sounds pretty fricking yummy, doesn’t it?  But, of course, Jenny does have a celebrity spokesperson, doesn’t she (I think Janet is the celebrity of the month, or is she Nutrisystem? It doesn't make a difference because she lost most of her weight prior to becoming a spokesperson).

Holy Shit, these results are not typical!

Someone who has usually lost at least 40 pounds.  Have you ever noticed how these celebrity spokes people never advocate going to the gym?  Don’t you ever wonder how many of these celebrities workout, or have personal trainers who put them through an exercise routine several times a week?  In case you haven’t figured it out, I am very unimpressed with celebrity spokes people.  Some are.  Don’t viewers pay attention to the little blurbs at the bottom of the screen which say ‘these results are not typical,’ or is it that they think of themselves as more then average.  My feeling is that most of these pay for diet plans are designed for lazy ass bozos who delude themselves into thinking weight loss can be accomplished quickly and easily. Duh.

Calories out

As far as I am concerned there are only two ways to eliminate calories from your body, one involves sitting on one of these.

Everybody has one of these in their house

This is a half-assed approach.  By the time the lasagna you shoved down your gorge for dinner gets to your lower end, most of the calories have been sucked out of it.  What’s left is waste, which is why you crap it away.  The other entails more then a modicum of physical exertion.  It is called exercise for you dumb shits out there.  If you are in the minority who say there are other ways to eliminate calories you’re even dumber then the dumb shits who try and shit them away.  Personally, I would rather work them off.  Call me idiotic, but there is something enjoyable in tossing around a pair off dumbbells.  Can you think of a better way to work off stress?  Believe me it works!  I also find something fulfilling in curling and pressing poundage in your middle-age.  This does not mean you should run out and buy yourself a full blown weight set or throw away a couple of grand on one of those fancy shmancy machines, you know, the ones that do every thing except wipe your ass.  Start looking at your diet and go buy yourself a small set of dumbbells.

Start off with 10 or 15 pounders

Start thinking nutritiously.  Don’t be an asshole limit yourself to poached egg whites and steamed chicken breast, and don’t for a second think there isn’t some moron out there who is going to do exactly that!  Do a little research, we are all individuals and as a result not every diet will work for you.  I would also recommend your not joining something like Nutrisystem or Jenny (previously known as Jenny Craig).  Most important!! ease yourself into it.  Abrupt changes always fail, which is why your gordo deluxe will always be a gordo deluxe. Sure, they may lose a couple of pounds every now and then but they’re always going to pound it back on.

Filling the Gorge!

So your doctor has given you the thumbs up to exercise, does that mean you should run out and buy a weight set?  No.  The first thing I recommend is to examine your diet.  If all the crap you shove down your throat adds up to more then 3000 calories a day you are wasting your fricking time. Calories in?  If you can’t cut back on this shit, you are wasting your fricking time.

This is a prime time dinner for a porko deluxe!

Yepper.  Oh sure you can count your carbs if you like but in the end it's the k calories that count.  K calories are an indicator of energy usage.  For you pinheads out there, let me give you a little explanation.  Everything in the universe uses some form of energy.  The human body burns calories to generate heat which is one of the little things that keeps us alive.  Burning calories gives us the energy to run up a flight of stairs, or ride a bike or stroll down the mall (you even burn a very small amount when you think about the things you want to buy at the mall).  You got to be a porko because you shoved more calories down your throat then you needed.  If you're a grando deluxe porko (more then 40 pounds overweight) you were probably shoving it down your gorge. There are fancy diets out there which tell you calories really are not that important, that you should really be counting carbs.  I know one individual who actually lost weight on one of those diets, of course he started going to the gym and running after work.  Did he lose the weight because of the diet or did the cardio play a very large part of it?  My money is on the cardio.

Here is a true story of too many calories in: about four months ago I was walking past the Health Care aisle at my local Giant supermarket when a large woman driving one of the store owned carts became stuck turning the corner.

You know, one like this

She began crying "I can't take this anymore," and I felt bad for her until I looked into her shopping basket.  There wasn't a single healthy food in it, there were however 2 family sized packages of Oreos, a bag off Doritos, a box off Cheese-its and a big bag of Pennsylvania Dutch noodles.  Cynical person that I am, the first thought to fly through my head was "Hey, fat pig, if you didn't eat all of that damn garbage you probably wouldn't be so damn fat, and if you weren't so fat you would be able to walk instead drive around in that stupid cart!" Believe me, she was way beyond your Grando Porko Deluxe!

Doctor, doctor, give me the news!

Hopefully you are not one of those idiots who brewskied, cocktailed, or winoed his (or herself) up on New Years Eve and made a resolution to loose weight and get in shape.  Unfortunately there are a number of drunks who resolved to do just that, and then they sober up the next day or they may stick it out for a week or two before flushing that resolution down the toilet.  The best time to begin a new health regime is any time but New Years.  If for some reason you did resolve to become a more healthy human and you have done the preliminaries such as weighing yourself and measuring yourself and discovering your fattage, while not quite tonnage is pretty damn large,the next thing you want to do is make an appointment to see your family doctor.  If, for some stupid reason you are middle aged and do not have a regular physician, get one.  Don't be an asshole.  In this day and age you need to be proactive with your health, not reactive,only shit heads are reactive.  They are also one of the reasons health care  costs in this country are so prohibitive.  Any way, go see your doctor and let him know you are planning on beginning a change and get his advice.  If you are a lardo he may tell you to take it slow since he does not want you keeling over with an arrhythmia. Most likely he will smile sagely, all the while thinking this is going to turn out to be a waste of your time since you are never going to change.  Your challenge is to not only get in shape but to prove him wrong.  Batter up!

Above you will see a BMI chart for men, nice colors, huh?  If you're red you're dead, well, maybe not literally, but you sure as hell are drowning in your own fattage.

BMI stands for Body Mass Index and provides a fairly accurate picture of just how overweight you actually are.  Me, I think it sounds to much like a foreign car, something you might actually want to own which is why I prefer calling it fattage instead.  Admit it, fattage has that nice gross ring to it.  Fattage takes you beyond chunky and it is a little easier on the ears then "lard ass."  You can quite easily calculate your own fattage either by going to one of multitude of websites or, if you have a handy dandy calculator in your phone or tablet you can do it using this calculation:  your weight x 703 / your height in inches squared.  Easy, huh?  That's why I do it on line.  I mean give me a fricking break!  Do I look like a mathematician?  All you need to do is a quick search to find an online calculator.  If you happen to use Fit Day, they have one.  In fact any good weight loss app is going to have one, even Men's Health, which is a pretty shitty app.  The site I prefer is Map My Fitness www.mapmyfitness.com  If you’re just a hokey pokie this might not be the site for you since it actually does deal with fitness.  However, those out there who are serious, check this place.  More on this later.  Oh, and by the way, you should keep track of your BMI on that little spread sheet you created a while back.  As you weight goes down, so does your BMI and it’s real interesting to see the correlation.

Here's another view.  The one on the far right is definitely a grando porko deluxe!

This may not seem like that important of a topic, but it is.  First, you climbed on a scale and discovered you’re a porko.  Second, you wrapped a tape measure around your biceps and realized how small they really are, and then you wrapped it around your gut and nearly shit a brick because you were horrified to realize that the fattage stretched across those inches was in comparirison to the acreage of Central Park, well maybe not quite that large.  Still, as time passes, as it always does, you want to have a record of the results of you endeavors.  How you do this is really up to your own personal preference.  I put together a small Excel spreadsheet.   One page documents the workouts, the other lists my results so I can easily click from one page to the other in order to compare my results.  You don’t need to keep it on a computer, pen and paper are just fine.  I don’t care if you carve your numbers on the damn wall like some neolith, you just need to keep track of them.

Okay, let’s move on two step three; one was weighing yourself, two was coming to terms with the fact that you’re a fatso, and three is grabbing the tape measure.  Most women own at least one, most guys don’t and if they do it’s a DeWalt, a Lufkin, or a Stanley, all three of which fail completely, they’re just now flexible enough.  Oh, and while you can pick up one of those tape measures at your local Home Depot, the one you need is can be found in the sewing aisle of your local K-Mart or Walmart. This is what you need.

Not this.

Why do you need a tape measure you ask? Several reasons.  When you tell people you’ve lost 10 pounds you want to be able to tell them where because your body is going to fight you tooth and nail for those pounds of fat.  Those 10 pounds might be in your shoulders, or you arms, or you thighs, anywhere but in that sagging gut of yours.  As far as ‘fat safe havens’ go, your body thinks your gut is the safest, which is why it will be one of the last visible signs of fattage on your body.  What is fattage?  Think of it as acreage but comprised not of land but of fat cells.  Now, on the spread sheet you’re using to track your weight loss, set up 5 columns and label them biceps, chest, gut, hips and thighs.  Every time you climb off the scale and enter your new weight onto your spread sheet you’re also going to measure these 5 areas of your body and include fractions, otherwise it's a cheat!

So, how much do you weigh?  Or should I ask how big of a pig have you been?  Or better yet, is this the family picture you keep hiding from all of your friends?

 

I can ask that because I’ve been there, eating two or three donuts instead of just one, and going back for seconds not because I was still hungry, but just because the food was there.  If you’re a male who is  5’ 9” and weighs 185 you are fat!  Depending upon your build, you poundage could be 10% to 20% higher then what it should be.  There is no nice way to say it.  Why sugar coat it.  Oh, but people do like to lie to themselves.  They’re just a little chubby (emphasis on the word little), or a teeny bit overweight (teeny bit my ass).  This juxtaposition of small modifying large is just another form of denial.  Way back when I was going to LVC I had an English professor who described himself as ‘portly.’  He liked to eat and threw dinner parties where both faculty and student supped on the most delicious foods.  He could, however, not permit himself to acknowledge that he was fat.  Portly sounds so much better then fat.  Once you’ve finally admitted to yourself that you are not a little overweight, but are instead fat, you can start doing something about it.  First thing you want to do is notate you exact weight.  If you have a digital scale, like I do, and it gives  your weight as 198.2 don’t round it down to 198, because that’s a cheat.  Cheaters are just as bad as liars. Next up, another measurement you can use for torturing yourself.

After the weigh in (pt A)

Okay, so now that you've climbed on and off the scale and and didn't shit a brick because you've already known for some time that you're fat, it's time to put a little time into debating whether or not you're do anything about it.  Most of you are going to say ‘yeah!’ with umph emphasis, it’s the New Year isn’t it, when everybody makes resolutions?   The problem is that most of you, especially if you're a porko, if you look like one of these,

 

you are going to fail miserably; so much is stacked against you.  Taking off poundage means changing your diet and your lifestyle, you can’t do one without the other and for you to be successful this needs to be a permanent change.  Temporary is bullshit.  Those who only want to take off a couple of pounds because they’re going to a reunion, or a wedding, or they need to fit into that old suit for some reason, have already failed.  When you binge diet you always gain back a pound or two more because you need to compensate for “the pain and suffering” of limiting your food intake.  You may not think you’re doing it, but you are slowly, ounce by ounce adding to the corpulent roundness that makes you the porko you are.  This is one of the reasons you gained 20 plus pounds during your middle-age years.  Think of it as the price you paid for sitting on your ass every evening watching TV. Taking it off is going to be much more difficult then putting on!  You'll be sweating either your cojones or you tatas off before you can once again look at your naked reflection in a mirror and give yourself a little leer because even at your age your finding yourself a little hot.

Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Happy New Year!

This is how my blog is going to work: entries will be posted on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

The intention is to get people off their fat, lazy asses and start doing something physical.  Fat cats die young!  So get out of your chair, go to where ever you have your scale and strip down naked and climb on, let's see how many fat, naked pounds are weighing you down.

Tomorrow's topic:  weighing in