Internet Security and Ben Affleck

This morning, as I went into my bank's website to transfer funds from my savings to my checking, I was presented with one of those little security questions I needed to answer when I set up my online account.  Of course, it's not only banks which make you provide answers to these preset questions, any website which maintains even the mildest forms of security is going to ask them.  They are all pretty standard:  where did you go to school?  What's your mother's maiden name?  How old were you when you lost your virginity?  Well, maybe not that last one, but wouldn't it be funny if it was asked?  If you think about it, those "personal" questions they ask are really not that personal.  It's not that difficult to find out what my mother's maiden name was, but finding out when I lost my virginity is a completely different story.  I'll give you a hint... it wasn't in the United States.  And I'm speaking about my straight virginity, not my gay virginity, because, again, they are two completely different thing, like drinking coffee.  Do you prefer your coffee black, or with cream?  I like mine with cream, no sugar.

Another funny question they ask is "What was the first musical instrument you learned how to play?"  I almost always answer that one.  So, which answer to do I give?  Piano, clarinet, french horn, skin flute?  Of course I can't tell you because then I'd blow my security.  I'll be honest, I do sometimes provide answers that are both inappropriate and incorrect.  A lot of times they will want to know who your best friends were.  You wouldn't believe some of my best friends:  Grover Cleveland?  Nah, dead too long.    David Arquette?  Hhhmm, maybe once or twice.  Brad Pitt?  Too married.  What I'm trying to say is they don't really know who your best friend was, so why not have a little fun?  They are not going to send you a nasty email shrieking "You were never friends with Ben Affleck!" because they don't really care, it's all digital to them.

Does Apple really care what your first musical instrument was?

Now I know there are those of you out there who are wondering  what happens if you forget your smart ass answer to one of these security questions.  Let me tell you, it happened to me once and, if you look out the nearest window, you'll see the world did not end.  Sad to say, there are a lot of people who answer these questions and then can't remember the answers.  Then they sit their thinking "was it my stepmother's maiden name or my birth mother's maiden name" and inevitably they make the wrong choice.  Or they forget that Droopie was officially their brother's dog, and that their first pet was actually a gold fish named Cleo, which is what they were thinking about when they answered the question.  It doesn't make a difference.  No website is going to bar you forever if you happen to answer the security question wrong.  Getting access again my entail calling an 800 number, sometimes it doesn't, and is normally not a very lengthy process.

If you're wondering, Ben Affleck was never one of my best friends when I was growing up.